How to Not Be a Dick at the Movie Theater: A Comprehensive Guide

I’ve noticed an alarming trend in my recent trips to the movie theater: Behaving like a total dick is slowly becoming acceptable behavior. I’ve witnessed audience members talking and texting, bring babies to the theater, allowing their cell phones to ring, and other forms of douchebaggery. And perhaps even worse than all this, no one says anything. Other audience members don’t ask them to be quiet, and there are no longer ushers who will tell you to shut up or get out.

This sort of behavior needs to stop. Movies are expensive, and everyone is there to enjoy the show they paid good money for, not to silently tolerate the inconsiderate antics of the other theater patrons. Since the concept of having basic good manners doesn’t exist anymore, here is an easy guide to follow on how to not be a dick at the movie theater:

* Silence your cell phone. In theory, this should be the easiest step since a reminder to do this is played before the start of every movie, but I have yet to sit through a screening where some dick’s cell phone doesn’t go off. (Cell phones are even going off during live theater performances, which is beyond appalling.) So just silence your phone; it’s easy, and usually only requires you to press one or two buttons. If you don’t know how to silence your cell phone, you’re clearly too stupid to have a cell phone or to even leave the house to go to the movies.

* Don’t text during the movie. Just because your cell phone is silenced and you aren’t actually talking on the phone, texting can be just as distracting. When sitting in a darkened theater, the eerie glow of dozens of cell phone, iPhone, and BlackBerry screens is annoying. You’re there to watch the movie, and there is nothing that is so important that you can’t wait until afterwards to text about. Trust me. So tell your BFF you'll TTYL, and STFU.

* Don’t talk to your friend/date/whatever during the movie. Another step that should be easy to follow, but people still feel the need to chatter during a movie. No one cares what you think of the movie, or what you think the characters should do, or about anything you have to say until after the movie is over. Then you can go out for drinks and talk about it all you want where I will be far away and not have to overhear your inane observations.

* Don’t talk to the movie screen. Similar to the above step, but slightly different. The people in the actual movie can’t hear you, and even if they could, they wouldn’t care what you had to say. So don’t talk to them or try to help them figure out how to solve the dilemma in their life.

* Don’t sing along with the movie. Unless you’re at The Rocky Horror Picture Show or one of those sing-along versions of a movie musical, do not sing with the movie. This applies to both musicals, where the songs are a part of the story, or regular movies that may have a soundtrack of totally bitchin’ tunes that you want to make sure everyone knows you recognize.

* Unless you’re seeing a children’s movie, don’t bring your kids. It’s true that I don’t like children, but if I’m going to see a movie that’s geared towards a younger crowd, I can anticipate that kids will be present and deal with it. What I can’t deal with is going to see a movie that is in no way appropriate for kids and watching people drag their spawn into the theater. Case in point: When going to see Pixar movies, there are plenty of kids there, and I expect a certain amount of chatter during the movie. When going to see X-Men: The Last Stand, a family brought their toddler, who started to cry during the movie, so the dad stood in by the exit door, jangling his keys at the kid to make him stop fussing. This was not a good time for anyone.

* If you arrive after the movie has already started, take the first empty seat you find. The movie has already begun, and you arriving late is a distraction to everyone who cared enough to show up on time. So sit down in the first empty seat you find, even if that means splitting up your party, rather than walking up and down the aisles, scanning the dark theater for empty seats that are together. And do not ask people already seated to move over so you and your date can sit together. They got there in time to pick out the seats they wanted, and you are stupid and can’t tell time, so you sit where you find a seat and deal with it.

By following this guide, and by passing it on to anyone you know who violates any of these steps, going to the movie theater can be an enjoyable experience for everyone. And if you ever find yourself at the movies sitting near someone violating a step, I encourage you to tell them, “Quit being a dick, dick!”, and then bludgeon them with something heavy. Because really, how else are they going to learn?